I Cried This Morning

There are things we don’t blog about.

Me, I don’t blog about the sad things, the stressful things, and the things that upset me. Doing so usually makes me sadder, upsetter, and more stressed out…and lord knows you guys have enough of that in your own lives. You know what those things are. I don’t have to go over them for you.

For a while, not too long ago, I cried every day. About a month before I left Tennessee, and for at least two months after, I cried every single day. There was fear in there, and regret, and hurt…but I couldn’t talk about any of those things for all our sakes. I had done the brave thing–cut ties and jumped off the flying trapeze with no net–and I had to prove to the world (and myself) that everything was sunshine and puppy dogs. I lived in front of the world, as the song says. Showing my weak side was just not an option.

When I was back in TN last summer, a very dear friend told me he hadn’t been in touch because he’d (and I’m paraphrasing) gotten upset over all my optimism. I’d made it sound like leaving was the best thing I’d ever done…and in some ways it was…but it was the hardest thing I’d ever done, too. So many people told me I was their inspiration and I couldn’t disappoint them. I had to be an inspiration for myself, too.

If we are what we Tweet, then I’m okay if everyone thinks I’m always sunshine and puppy dogs. But deep in your heart you know that’s not true all the time. Be realistic. That’s not true for anyone.

I cried this morning for a lot of the regular reasons: fear, hurt, regret. I cried because there are horrible people in this world who don’t get what they deserve. I cried because there are good people in this world who don’t get what they deserve either. I cried because I don’t feel like I work hard enough. I cried because my boyfriend is in pain and doctors are useless. I cried because it was 6:30 a.m. and I hadn’t had breakfast yet. I cried because we don’t have enough closet space. I cried for…you know…the usual reasons.

And then I got up, made lunch for everyone, checked my email, went to the gym, and ran five miles. Because I’m awesome. Because the clouds are gone today and I can hear the dogs barking. Today I will challenge myself to be better and work harder. And tomorrow, well…

…tomorrow is another day.