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“We are Black Roses. We know how to cry.”
—Alethea on Stationhead, circa 2024
Dearest Squad,
Right around the time I started writing this chapter, my favorite Korean indie rock band The Rose announced an upcoming album, a limited-city world tour, and an indefinite hiatus.
Some of you might recall the moment last summer when my favorite K-pop group VANNER announced their own indefinite hiatus due to the youngest member going into the military and other personal matters. Yeah, I cried. I made a video about it on TikTok. My international VVS fandom family banded together and vowed to support each member through this time and—most importantly—continue supporting each other. It’s been a strange and difficult year, but VVS is limping along. Every day, we hope for the best.
This time, though, I’m just angry. Incredibly angry and desperately sad.
And no, I can’t explain why.
It might be because the Rosarium app doesn’t exist anymore, but I had moved on before its implosion. It might be because most of my real-life Black Rose besties are in LA. Maybe it’s because “Blue Moon” is a bittersweet farewell I don’t want to hear. Maybe it’s because I can’t afford to see them on tour before…whatever. Until whenever. Maybe it’s because, as much as I tried to be thrilled about releasing this book, June emotionally chewed me up and spit me out.
Yeah, that last two are definitely a big chunk. But it’s more than that. I can’t put my finger on exactly what. To be honest, I don’t really want to.
Because in the end, it’s all just…grief.
I am so very, very glad the universe conspired to allow me to get to see The Rose in Seattle in 2023 when they toured for DUAL. Best album. Best concert ever. (Apart from seeing VANNER in Korea, obviously.) I am beyond happy that my mother encouraged me to splurge and get the burgundy hoodie from that tour. It’s still one of my favorite pieces of clothing ever.
I even brought it storm chasing with me this year.
As a creative person who rides the Burnout Cycle on Expert Level, I completely understand needing a break. It’s healthy for the mind, body, and soul. It’s vital for people like us. Essential. Non-negotiable. Even sunlight gets a break. Every. Single. Day.
This year, storm chasing was that break for me. Not that it should count as any kind of break…but I literally couldn’t afford to be gone longer than that.
I was so stressed out this spring that Artemis II’s historic 10-day journey around the moon barely registered. But, unlike the anxiety attack-induced nonsense I experienced in late December/early January (because I was not able to join Piper in Thailand for her last hurrah), I am currently stressed-but-functioning (read: daily exercise + words) so I’m better than I was. I am self aware enough to realize that this anger I’m feeling is completely irrational. (As I write this at 5am.)
But that doesn’t stop me from feeling it.
I’m allowed to feel things. We all are. Most importantly, when I’m feeling things this deeply, I should absolutely write. Maybe it’s a chapter, a journal entry, or this essay. This anger is but a brief madness. Words have always been my vehicle to work through the pain and find a way back to hope.
It’s how I have survived the last 40+ years, and it is how I will survive today.
Love you, Squad.
xox
Princess Alethea
PS: Help me, BTS. You’re my only hope… 💜
My Writing Patreon has been keeping me alive – please consider supporting if you don’t already. Thank you!
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